Yesterday was a pretty good day! In the morning Brandon told me he needed his hair cut, so I got out the clippers. Dylan was sitting at the table eating and started stressing out as soon as he realized what was going on. I told him it was not for him, ha ha. I really had no intention on cutting his hair because of how traumatic it is. He was in his booster seat eating, so since he was strapped in and I had a minute to not have to worry about where he was or what he was doing, we left him in there and started cutting Brandon's hair. He watched very intently and so when I was done with Brandon's hair, I told him to put Dylan on this chair and see his reaction. He stressed out, but no more than your typical child that didn't want their hair cut would, so we decided to go through with it. He did pretty good through most of it and just cried here and there. Big change since the last time. As I was finishing up around the ears and the base of his head, I needed him to hold still so Brandon did his regular bear hug and that is where he really stressed out. So this was a big deal, we actually had a mostly enjoyable experience!
Brandon's cousin got married later that day. I had no intention on taking the younger two because his soon-to-be bride seemed to be the type that had her wedding planned out for a while, so I didn't want to be the one crashing her special day. Lori called that afternoon and said they were hoping to get the Great Grandkids all together and have pictures taken, so I said I would at least come before the wedding and let them do the pictures. He was pretty good and seemed to enjoy the beauty of the occasion and let Grandpa follow him around. I was getting nervous that they weren't going to get to the pictures before the wedding, but luckily they did! So we had pictures and Dylan, Desi, and I left so that we didn't cause any commotion! He was actually better for pictures than Boston! Dylan stood there! I looked up to realize Boston was flopping from front to back the whole time, so I will honestly be surprised if Boston is facing forward for any of the pictures or is not a blurred mess. I think everyone was focused on getting Dylan in the picture that Boston went unnoticed.
Today has been the complete opposite type of day and not in a good way. We have been doing pretty good with the potty training and on Wednesday it seemed to finally be "clicking," but today he decided to crap in the bathtub on two different occasions! He has been missing swimming I think because he keeps bringing us his swimming suit, even though it has been cold and snowy. I guess playing in the bathtub is replacing his swimming time, so he probably has had 3 baths each day the past couple of days. I could tell he was about to crap, so I made him get out(both occasions) and sit on the toilet. He got back in the tub and went in the next minute or so luckily just little pebbles, ha ha. The second time I made him get out of the tub and would not let him back in to show him that he is not getting rewarded for doing something he should not do. That was a struggle but I stuck to my guns!
He has also started to get undressed, usually when he feels he needs to go to the restroom, which is a good sign. However, I can't just let him strip down in the middle of the room when he gets that urge because one day he is going to be some place and think it is alright to do that. I will get a call saying my son has been taken to jail for lewdness one day and so we need to prepare now. It gets very frustrating to get his clothes on and turn around for 2 seconds to see him stripping down again and doing things he should not do with himself(sorry TMI). He is all boy! I know he is just curious and exploring his body, but the thoughts of him doing this when he is older and him going to jail because he doesn't know any better, scares the crap out of me!
He has been extremely emotional today too. I have got after him several times and he cries and seems to want to be comforted, but today is one of those days where you just have to walk away and cool down! Don't get me wrong I love that he comes to me for comfort, but I am at my wits end today. I have also noticed lately that I have to be the one to do everything. That is not entirely new but usually if I am busy I can tell him to ask Dad and he does(in his own way of course). Lately, that does not fly and he does not give up until I go to where he wants me to go. I wonder if that is because I am female and all of his teachers are female and so he is getting used to having only females help him. This also leads to Desi being left to do her own thing and entertain herself 90% of the day, and no I am not lying. I feel bad for her because seriously, who lets a 2 year old roam around the house pretty much all day long because you have no other choice, ME! I feel bad for her but at the same time so thankful that she is the type of 2 year old that I know is perfectly fine and safe doing this!
Today has not been the best, but then again not the worst day, but it has made me think back about things. Lately religion has not really been a big part of my life and who knows when it will be again, maybe someday. But I had my patriarchal blessing a few years back(just before one of my babies blessings and that may have been Dylan) and in it it said something about "not being alone like I have felt in the past." That really caught me off guard because I had never really remembered feeling like I was "alone." Of course we all have our moments where we may not agree with someone or something and want to do things our own way, so I shrugged it off and figured it was something like that. Today, and this whole Autism experience, has brought a whole new meaning to "feeling alone!" I am not saying just Autism is hard to deal with, but any "special needs," disease, sickness, whatever you may be dealing with, but in my case Autism!
Yes we have a super support system with Dylan through family and we could honestly not do this without any of you that may read this, but unless this is your everyday reality, I think it is really hard to completely understand the everyday stress and turmoil it causes the whole family! It's like my Mom's depression. I think I have a good understanding of how it affects her and the choices she makes, but I will never truly understand how she feels unless I get to that point in life. My other children suffer the most because they used to have a Mother that paid attention to what they were doing or actually played with them and now they have a Mother that walks out of the room to check on their brother as they are trying to tell or show her something. I am sure they feel completely ignored, and I hate that. I wanted to be the kind of Mom that they knew cared about them and was always there for them, but things have changed these past 2(almost) years.
We are a family that likes to get out and go places. We go "stir crazy" staying at home. We still try our best to do things, but there are times where we have to take off after only being there for a short time because Dylan is not behaving. Or, gasp, we use Dylan as an excuse to not go places that requires being quite and sitting still for short/long amounts of time. That is not fair to our other children. I only hope my children are better than their Mother and use this experience as a learning experience and it teaches them sympathy, empathy, patience, understanding, etc. and as they grow older they are able to be a positive influence to someone going through something like this. I had a couple of roommates(one being Dylan's teachers daughter) that worked with special needs people. I always admired them, and still do, for choosing that path in life. It takes a special person that is able to work with special needs people and heaven knows the world needs them. These two roommates have always been someone I look up to for this reason alone. I hope my children will be like them!
I used to nag a lot less(but I have always been a nagger) at Brandon for doing things he likes to do, like watching sports. He now gets to watch them after the kids go to bed since he has had to record them throughout the day. That has its benefits because he also avoids any device that may give him the results before he has the chance to watch it. He is giving up a BIG part of him too, but at times he throws it at me like I should feel bad for him. He deserves some "him time" but so do I. I get mad because when I throw a fit he tells me to do what I want to do then and he doesn't even know what I like to do. Hell, I don't even know what I like to do anymore because all of my time is consumed on Dylan, the other kids, how I can get us all to start eating healthy or at least fed, their school work, the everyday life of a Mom! I have started exercising recently but that comes with a price of waking up an hour earlier than I was already waking up, because if I don't then the rest of the day is chaos. Sometimes if you want some "you time" you have to make that sacrifice!
I know I signed up for this Mom thing, but I was NOT prepared to be an Autism Mom. I love being a Mom and I love the children that call me Mom! I just don't know how to handle the stress of Autism some days. So today, I am handling it by writing my feelings! I know one day I will look back and will be so thankful for where Dylan is at and maybe even what he has taught us. I don't expect him to be "cured" but I just need that communication! Communication is a very important skill, I am learning now more than ever. So heres to hoping that one day we look back and say, "Remember those (insert number of years) that was pure Hell! But look where we are now!" I can handle this, but it would be so much easier to understand if I knew when the communication part would click!
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